As a born-again Christian over the course of several decades now, I am often curious to read what other Christians have written regarding Bible difficulties. Today, I read an interesting post over at Bill Muehlenberg’s blog entitled, “On Family Loyalty and Christian Discipleship.” He categorized it under the headings of “Christianity,” “Difficult Bible Passages,” and “Family.”
To be honest, I became a bit alarmed when I read some of the sections of the post that were about “radical discipleship.”
Excerpt:
Radical discipleship means putting God first above everything else – even above good things which God has blessed. That may mean having to choose at times between loyalty to Christ and allegiance to family. That is what Jesus is on about here: the radical call of Christian discipleship.
When I read that, I immediately thought about the term “cult.” For me, the only reason I can think of to have the need to “choose, at times, between loyalty to Christ and allegiance to family” would be if certain family members are causing harm to the Christian and/or purposely attacking any member for their Christian discipleship. Didn’t Jesus also tell us that the “wheat (true believers) and the tares (fake or false adherents)” will grow together, and at the harvest will then be separated? Well, Bill’s next several paragraphs helped to ease my fears about where he was going with this:
Let me finish with a few wise words of commentary here, just on the Matthew passage. Craig Blomberg cuts to the chase: “Theological syntheses must balance Eph. 6:14 and 1 Tim. 5:8 with teachings like these. Devotion to family is a cardinal Christian duty but must never become absolute to the extent that devotion to God is compromised.”
R. T. France puts it this way:
Like many prophetic oracles, this saying is cast in an absolute form which needs to be set alongside other contrasting aspects of Jesus’ teaching. Family enmity is not a virtue in itself, nor is it the universal experience of Jesus’ disciples, but it is a matter of priorities. Loyalty to Jesus and his mission comes first, and the result of that may be that family ties are strained to breaking point. But there is a new family relationship for disciples of Jesus which more than compensates for what may be lost by loyalty to him (12:46-50; 19:27-29).
Robert Mounce comments, “The issue is one of priorities: our commitment to Christ must be greater than to anyone else. Jesus is not counseling his followers to ride roughshod over family affection or responsibility. The point is that when a person pledges solidarity with Christ and his mission, nothing – not even the love of a family member (understood as unsympathetic to the Christian faith) – must be allowed to stand in the way.”
Again, the point is not to trash family relationships but to fully exalt Christ in everything. As Daniel Doriani comments:
Jesus assumes parents and children love each other. He approves of love in the family. But he says love of family must never push him into the background. A disciple must love him supremely, more than father or mother, son or daughter, husband or wife. If we must choose between pleasing Jesus and pleasing our family, Jesus says we must love him more than father or mother (10:37).
This is not about the Christian repudiating or attacking his own family. The point Jesus is making is that when we come to Christ, family members may well turn on us and reject us. As D. A. Carson puts it, “He does not mean that those he wins as his disciples will turn against their family members, but that by winning men and women to himself their family members will turn against them.”
Ah…OK, that makes more sense. I have experienced when a family member “turned against me” because of her unbelief in Jesus Christ and her rejection of God’s Word, the Bible. This person even went so far to spread rumors about me to another relative in order to trash me and turn that relative against me as well. Sadly, she passed away back in 2011. Even though I tried to reach her with the Gospel on several occasions (books, emails, sharing my dad’s journey to faith before he died), and prayed for her salvation, her belief was that she would go to heaven because she was kind to animals. Of course, I won’t know until I get to see the Lord in eternity whether or not any of my invitations to her about her need to accept Christ as Lord and Savior helped her make that eternal decision.
Back to the article.
Bill writes:
So these hard words of Jesus about radical discipleship are NOT meant to be used as an excuse for believers to ride roughshod over their own families. Family life is held in high regard in Scripture, and Christians should do all they can to maintain healthy family relationships.
I know about this type of situation. When someone marries into another Christian family, one might think that they are “safe” regarding Bill’s admonition that discipleship doesn’t mean to “ride roughshod over their family” members. Unfortunately, this is not always true.
There can be many reasons for a spouse to encourage her husband to become estranged from his family. You can read my former post about that HERE.
Another reason could be that the Christian spouse that the son married into is in a kind of family cult.
I was surprised to read that Bill had been exposed to cult behavior. It could happen to anyone. And, if a particular spouse is not aware of the underlying reasons why a wife would want her husband to abandon his family, he could be manipulated into doing it.
Bill wrote:
Having been in a few cults early on in my Christian journey I know how normal it is for the new convert to be urged to hate their family and turn against them. It is quite common in the cults for the leader to pit the believer against the rest of their family, and insist that the cult is his new family.
Bill continues to write:
This is certainly not what Jesus had in mind when he said these words. Family life is something God-ordained and we need to show proper respect and love for family members.
But then, he also wrote:
The main message of Jesus here is that at times we will have to risk alienating our own family as we fully follow Christ.
When an in-law family is involved in a cult (or, even just cult-like behavior within that small family), they can give a new member of the other side of the family a reason to alienate his own parents and siblings! I’ve seen it happen and it is excruciatingly painful, terribly sad, and certainly not biblical in nature! The example I can share here is that “unhealthy communications” and “perceived crossing boundaries” were excuses used for a son to dump his Christian family members; without any effort to discuss such grievances. Even the suggestion by his side of the family to go to Christian family counseling in order to resolve the issues at hand has been rejected.
Bill admits:
It is unfortunate (alienation from family members) when that does occur, and we are not to go out of our way and seek for that to happen.
Well, in the example that I shared above, the female in-law family DID seek for it to happen. Terminology like counseling someone into “taking a deep dive” and “purging someone out of his bottled up self and shallowness, even if that means countless hours of staying up all hours of the night to get to the root of your hearts and listening to the convictions of the Holy Spirit… even if it hurts!” was used. And saying to the untrained in-law “mom” who is doing the so-called “counseling” that “it doesn’t come overnight and you have to work for that transparency…such a blessing that you explained AND most importantly demonstrated that it takes continued commitment and listening to God to make it work!…and that there’s no “easy” way.” She continued: “I am so excited for me and Carey to follow in that!”
Now, those particular paragraphs may sound innocent and like there isn’t anything wrong with what is being espoused. However, when it includes encouraging the husband to abandon his Christian parents (to whom he had previously always expressed love towards, and had written wonderful praises and thanks for his good Christian upbringing in decades worth of birthday cards and Mother’s/Father’s Day cards) and also caused him to choose to become permanently estranged from them; one could look at it as being very damaging. Such a Facebook post now sounds cult-like and quite scary! It very well could be another kind of “spirit” working within that family dynamic; NOT the Holy Spirit of God.
Even though my family member (who died in 2011) rejected me for my faith in Jesus Christ, often mocked me for it and even told lies about me to other family members, I still did not become estranged from her. I continued to attempt to reach her with the Gospel. And, despite some of the mean things she had done to me over the years, I had to FORGIVE her for them! When I finally prayed about it and did forgive her for years of dislike, mean things done in the past, and lies told about me, a heavy burden was immediately lifted off of me! THAT is the Jesus Christ that I know and worship! Only He could do that for me. When I am weak (and filled with un-forgiveness), He is strong and through the power of the Holy Spirit, had years of pain lifted off of me!
That act of forgiveness was what was NEEDED in order for me to start re-establishing a new relationship with her (mostly via phone because she lived across the country)! A reunion of sorts was planned, but sadly, she died before that could be arranged. One of the last things that I had discussed with her was my post about Remembering Dad. I hope she read it and took it to heart.
As I had written in the case of Aurora and Carey, outstretched hands and the willingness of communicating with estranged family members requires forgiveness. Such a trial in life as this may be necessary in order for Aurora and Carey to work out conflict within their own lives. Perhaps the parents and extended family members on the son’s side of the family are just collateral damage. It could be a necessary time in the young couple’s lives to go through, in order to see what they have done more clearly. Ultimately, it is my hope and prayer for them to be reconciled back to the parents that raised their son in a Bible-based church and manner; a family that takes seriously 2 Timothy 2:15 that requires believers to “rightly divide the word of truth.” That is key to the adherence towards true Christian faith.
Hat tip: Bill Muehlenberg’s blog
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